I didn't think it would be me

I'm pretty sure I considered my life pretty close to perfect.  I didn't have anything that I felt was really hard that I had to go through.  Of course there were things looking back over my life that may not have been easy but I don't think I had to do anything I considered hard.  My heart now aches as I understand I'm going through something I feel is hard.  Some days I hold myself together pretty well, but other days I wake up way too early and can't go back to sleep.  My mind races in wondering what went wrong.  What happened?  Why was this baby not perfect?  I had three perfect pregnancies and three perfect (except for the boys' fussiness early on in their lives) babies.  I never had a hard time getting pregnant, I only had to choose the month I wanted to have a baby.  This last week has brought such a flood of emotions.  People tell me it gets easier and I really do believe them.  I know it will get easier.  But right now I am stuck in this world of trying to be so strong but unable to hold it together when I'm all alone.

September 10th I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  I cried.  I wasn't sure if I really was ready to be pregnant even thought we had decided it would be fun to try to have another baby.  Tyler was in kindergarten and this baby would be born just before he turned 6.  I was scared in thinking of starting all over again.  I watched my sisters with their little ones and sometimes I felt really glad that I didn't have any diapers to change or any languages I needed to try and interpret.  But of course there's nothing sweeter than having a baby snuggle up in your arms and only want you because you are their mommy.  Those tender little glances that parents are privileged to are priceless.  I finally understood that I really have been ready to be a mom to a little one again.  I was anxious for my three kids to once again experience the sweetness that comes with a new baby in the house.

October 28th Talmage and I went to my first appointment.  I was 12 weeks and figured it was time to go in.  I had to find a new doctor...my fourth pregnancy...my fourth doctor.  I was happy with this new doctor.  She was nice and very friendly.  I felt very comfortable.  She listened for the heartbeat but didn't hear it right away so she did an ultrasound.  I remember telling Talmage it would be really awkward if we went in for the appointment and found out I wasn't really pregnant.  During the ultrasound we saw this little baby moving around and I knew all was okay.  Mother's Day, May 11th would be the anticipated date by which we would look forward to the arrival of this new little baby.  I was so anxious I wanted to tell the kids that night for Family Home Evening.  Talmage was a little more hesitant knowing once the kids knew they would tell everyone.  But being 12 weeks, I was past the "dangerous" time so what would it matter if more people found out?  I had perfectly easy pregnancies.  I've only ever experienced nausea when I went too long without eating so really it didn't matter if people knew.  I had nothing to worry about...just the weight gain and the growing belly.  I remember Tyler telling me one day, "Mom, I love you.  And I'll even love you when you're kinda fat," (of course referring to when my tummy grew large and pregnant).

Over the course of these weeks of pregnancy I felt great.  I was tired at times but I had three helpful kids and a wonderful husband.  I never felt overwhelmed with my responsibilities.  I made sure to remind the kids when they would fight or argue that we needed to work on being kind to one another.  We didn't want to bring a sweet new baby into a home of fighting.

One night Mackenzie wasn't feeling well in the night.  Talmage and I got up with her and by the time we were going back to bed around 2:30 I told Talmage that a milkshake sounded really good.  My sweet husband went to the kitchen and made me a most delicious milkshake.  Another night I was hungry but couldn't decide what sounded good.  He asked me about numerous things and finally...chips and salsa hit the spot around 10:00 at night.  I remember one other night getting all settled for the night and Thanksgiving turkey sounded SO good.  And since I knew Thanksgiving was a couple weeks away I thought chicken strips would fill the void until Thanksgiving.  I felt like everything was perfect.  I realized that since two of my babies were late I had to expect this baby wouldn't come until after the expected date.  I was okay with that as long as the baby came before the 15th.  I wanted to have at least a week at home with the baby before the kids were out of school for the summer.  I looked so forward to the summer and having the kids around to enjoy the baby.  Then it seemed perfect when school started again and the kids were in school all day and the baby could take the necessary naps without interruptions.  Grant started kindergarten when Tyler was just 7 weeks old so I remember what a hassle that was trying to work naps just perfectly so I didn't have to wake a baby to go pick Grant up from school.  I felt like my plan was perfect.  My life was perfect.

November 23rd.  I was 16 weeks pregnant.  We were planning on going to visit Talmage's parents for Thanksgiving so I thought it would be so fun to find out what we were having before going down and have a gift with either a little doll if it was a girl or a little football if it was a boy.  We all went in for the "Gender Peek" ultrasound.  It wasn't an "official" ultrasound done by a radiologist but I was hopeful we could find out what it was.  The boys were of course hoping it was another boy and Mackenzie was hoping for a girl.  She had been asking for a sister for a couple years.  I told her there's no guarantee what you get.  So as we're sitting in the room and the ultrasound begins the girl performing the ultrasound was having a hard time getting a good look.  She kept moving the wand around and around.  I just thought the baby wasn't cooperating and we would have to come back another time.  She finally, and quickly, announced she "thinks that maybe it's a boy."  I wasn't convinced based on her quick judgement and lack of substantial evidence.  I wasn't ready to tell everyone until I went back for my official ultrasound a week later.  Kenzie was sad.  Grant and Tyler were excited.  I remember that night in my prayers praying that if it was really a boy that it would be a much easier boy that Grant and Tyler were.  I petitioned with the Lord that I already had two difficult baby boys and felt I needed an easier one this time.  I had that tinge of disappointment that it wasn't going to be a girl.  I love having 3 sisters and I was sad thinking Mackenzie wouldn't have that experience.  That evening I went over to see my cousin Katie who had just come home with her sweet little baby boy born on the 21st.  I realized that it would be just fine to have a boy.  My little boy? and her little boy could be little buddies like their big brothers.  I knew there were plenty of other boy cousins to play with coming soon.  Brittany's and Emily's little boys in December and Katelyn's little boy in April.  It would be fun for them to have each other.

November 24th.  I was feeling just as well as usual.  I made sure to take my snacks to church to get me through the meetings.  I was excited that I would actually get to go home early that day since we didn't have meetings after church.  Talmage went home teaching around 1:30.  At 1:40 the phone rang and it was my doctor.  I was confused why I would be getting a call from her on a Sunday afternoon.  My next appointment wasn't until the 2nd of December so I wouldn't be getting an automated reminder call that early.  I answered and was surprised to hear my doctor.  What doctor makes phone calls on a Sunday...and why?  She asked me if I went in for an ultrasound the day before.  Of course I did.  She told me I needed to come in first thing the next day for another one from a medical professional and then go straight to her office.  My heart started pounding and my mind started questioning what was going on.  Of course she couldn't tell me anything over the phone and nothing without another opinion from a trained professional.  Worry and concern filled my mind.  I asked her why and what was wrong.  Was there something wrong with the baby?  Was there an abnormality?  Was it worse?  Was there no heartbeat?  She told me I needed my husband to get out of work so he could be with me.  I told her of our plans for Thanksgiving and she told me that I couldn't go but needed to stay home.  I didn't know what to do.  I didn't know what to think.  I tried calling Talmage then texted him to come home right away.  I called my mom and just expressed my worry and concern.  Then I cried.  Talmage came home and I asked him for a blessing.  I needed something to calm my heart and mind.  I was given a blessing of comfort and peace that the Lord was aware of me and my situation but to be at peace.  The rest of the afternoon and evening were tolerable.  We got together for dinner as usual at Mom and Dad's.  Mom had told my siblings so we talked about it enough to get my thoughts out and to also hear their words of comfort.  My sister Jenn had a miscarriage so it was nice to hear about her experience to prepare myself for the worst.  The kids stayed with my parents that night so Talmage and I could take care of everything the next day.  I hardly slept.  No matter what else I tried to think of I couldn't get this thought of not having a baby out of my mind.  Tears came and I just let them.

November 25th.  I waited all night for morning to come so I could get answers but once morning finally came I just wanted it to be tomorrow.  I called the doctor's office very first thing.  I'm sure my call came through the moment they took the phone off the automated answering message.  The receptionists were mostly helpful but I don't think they understood my urgency.  I took it upon myself to make the necessary phone calls to get in for the ultrasound.  I couldn't stand to just sit around and wait for them to call me back.  In the meantime Talmage and I took his car in to be fixed...transmission was struggling.  Of course we had just bought new tires for my van in preparation for our trip to Southern California.  Why not add car repair expenses when having medical unexpected expenses too.  I wasn't very patient when I was having the ultrasound done.  I kept asking questions.  I wanted to know.  Was there a heartbeat?  Was there something wrong they could see?  There were two technicians in there.  Certainly one of them could ease my worries or at least confirm it in some way.  Of course they couldn't tell me anything.  They were only the technicians...no MD behind their names so they can't give out any information.  When we got to the doctor's office I was of course prepared for the worst.  When the doctor walked into the examination room her face and voice said it all.  She just said she was so sorry.  She just got off the phone with the radiologist who confirmed there was no heartbeat.  Based on the measurements of the baby it's likely the heartbeat stopped around 15 weeks.  I still didn't understand why or how that could happen to me.  I thought my body was made for babies.  I asked what we do next.  She explained the options of just waiting for the miscarriage to happen naturally which could take sometimes weeks and then end up needing a D&C or we could go in that day for the D&C, which technically being after 13 weeks they perform a D&E.  I hadn't had any signs or symptoms of there being a problem.  I was unsure of what to do.  How long would it take if I waited for it to come naturally?  Would I have a lot of discomfort?  It was Thanksgiving that week and Mackenzie's baptism on Saturday.  Christmas was only a month away.  Did I want to wait it out and then need surgery anyway?  I asked the Doctor what she would recommend and she highly recommended the surgery.  I felt like it was the best option considering the unknown of waiting and wondering.  So Talmage and I went over to the hospital to wait.  I told my mom to go ahead and tell the kids.  I thought it would be nice for Talmage and I to tell them but when I thought about it I just cried.  I didn't want them to see me like that.  My dad came over to the hospital to help Talmage give me a blessing.  Of course knowing I was going in for surgery and would be put under I was so grateful for the blessings of the Priesthood.  I did feel comfort in knowing I would be okay and watched over.

As I waited for 4:00 to come around I managed to keep myself very brave and held together until the lullaby came over the speakers announcing the birth of a baby.  I just cried.  They wouldn't be playing that song for me.  I was so happy that a mother had just given birth to a baby instead of having to go through what I was getting ready for, but it sure made me sad.

The surgery went well.  I remember as soon as the anesthesia was hooked up I was out and I woke up feeling extremely tired but physically okay.  It took me a really long time to wake up.  Talmage said from the time the doctor came out to tell him everything went smoothly to the time he got to go in and see me was almost an hour and a half.  I'm sure the fact that I didn't hardly sleep the night before didn't help the fact that I just wanted to stay asleep.  The reality of not having a baby anymore took a while to settle in.  The drive home I tried to sleep but couldn't.  When we walked in the house I felt sad but the moment I saw the ultrasound pictures on the mantle I just completely let go of my emotions.  I wept and cried seeing the pictures of a baby I thought I was going to have.  What I thought was going to be a delayed Mother's Day gift was no longer.  I didn't know what to do with the pictures.  For a moment I thought I should throw it away so as not to be reminded of it.  I couldn't though.  I tucked it away and figured when I'm emotionally ready I'll get it out again.

I slept incredibly well that night.  Of course the anesthesia was still in my system so it helped.  Talmage had to make up for his missed day of wrestling assessments the next day.  My mom still had the kids so I was able to sleep and relax.  My dear friend Kimberlee brought us dinner on Tuesday.  She was getting ready for company to come for Thanksgiving and her daughter McKenna was getting baptized with Mackenzie but she still made dinner and offered to watch the kids.  I am so thankful for good friends.  Wednesday my friend Ivie had arranged to bring us dinner.  Justin and the kids brought it by to us.  It's a busy time with Thanksgiving and family but friends see past their own needs and give and help others in need.

Tuesday when mom brought the kids home they each shared tender moments with me.  Mackenzie cuddled up to me and said she was sad about the baby.  A while later Tyler came and sat by me and asked me in a quivery voice if I had cried because the baby died.  I looked at this sweet boy who was holding back tears and told him that I did cry because I was sad.  Later Grant and I were upstairs and he came and wrapped his arms around me and said he was sorry the baby died.  I explained to him that I was really sad but knew there must have been a reason why it couldn't be with us.  I also told him I was glad it happened now rather than later or even after it was born.  We just held onto each other for an extra moment feeling the sadness but finding comfort in one another.  At dinner that night Talmage and I talked to the kids about it.  We explained that there was something wrong with the baby that didn't allow it to live any longer.  It probably makes it easier understanding that but I'm still really sad.

We had a nice Thanksgiving.  It wasn't the same eating the Thanksgiving turkey remembering how much I had craved it just a few weeks before.  It's hard to see my friends and family who are pregnant and realize that I'm not anymore.  As happy as I am for them it reminds me that I don't have that anymore.  I so badly want to go cuddle Katie's little baby but that too reminds me of the little buddy that I thought was going to be his.  I know it will get easier and I really don't like feeling sad.  I have so many blessings and my life is still really close to perfect.

Mackenzie's baptism was so wonderful on Saturday.  The day started off with a minor glitch...Tyler was throwing up.  I prayed that he would be better in time for the baptism and the last time he threw up was 7:30 that morning.  The day was wonderful and sweet Mackenzie was just as perfect as can be.  I felt so much joy for my children that day.  Grant offered the closing prayer and was so sincere.  A day I am thankful for.

Sunday I had a hard time again.  Sitting in church I remembered that just a week ago I had no idea there was a problem.  I had only wondered if I tell people I "thought" we were having a boy.  So much happened since I was last sitting in the chapel.  There were some that of course were unaware of what happened and asked if I found out what we were having.  I couldn't hold my emotions in very well.   

Yesterday I had a worry...what if they were wrong?  What if the heartbeat WAS still there?  Did I make a mistake?  It's hard not knowing the reasons why.  I've wondered if it was something I did.  Did I eat something that didn't make me sick but made the baby sick?  I know I can't live my life this way.  I will move on and feel better.  For now, I just put on my brave and happy face and go on doing the things I need to do.  When I have quiet moments or times when I am alone I cry and wish I could wake up and have this all be a bad dream.  My perfect plan was faltered.  I know it's too early to start thinking and planning for the future, but I have.  Do I want to try to have anymore babies?  What if this happens again?  I was so thrilled to have a Spring baby.  Now I would have to wait so long.  If I wait too long and wait for a Spring baby then my other kids will be so much older.  Tyler was already going to be close to 6 when this baby was born.  If I wait that means he'll be almost 7.  Mackenzie will be 9 1/2 and Grant almost 12.  I know there's nothing wrong with that many years between the oldest and youngest but that would be a big gap between the youngest and the sibling just older.  I'll know when I reach that point...but in the meantime I try to plan out my perfect.